Being in a full-time D/s relationship isn’t always easy. Being in a full-time D/s relationship when you are disastrously insecure and battling depression has its own challenges. Some are unique to the dynamic, like having to build the confidence to know an impromptu blowjob would be welcome and appreciated, instead of fearing rejection at such an intimate, vulnerable level.
It’s feeling secure enough to bring him the collar to put on you, even if things aren’t feeling perfect.
Open communication is a requirement, especially when it feels unbearable to share your thoughts and feelings due to the intense shame you feel, for simply feeling, sometimes.
It is learning to rely on the trust, guidance, strength and love that your Dom offers when you question your own worth.
Our dynamic doesn’t allow me to shut down and wallow in my self-loathing like I have always done. The agreement we made doesn’t give me the option to beat myself up and give myself the equivalent of mental lashes. It is his job to dole out any lashes, it is something he enjoys and I am not allowed to hurt myself without permission, in any manner.
Rules I understand. I can follow rules. Building helpful routines and positive habits pave the way for more intensive mental health repair. They are all elements to a puzzle that I am carefully crafting my own pieces for.
Building this D/s relationship has been life changing. It has allowed me the freedom and space to strip away the useless bullshit, knowing it will leave me raw and vulnerable and trust that I will be safe and loved while I rebuild myself.
Going into it, I expected it to be sexy. I expected it to bring us closer. I expected it to teach me to build trust. What I didn’t expect was what it has done for my self-esteem, my confidence and the way it has put so many of my insecurities to rest.
I didn’t expect a D/s relationship to make me a better, healthier person.