My partner and I were sharing a fairly kinky, intimate moment the other night when I had one of the biggest realizations that I have grown and changed so much over the past year or so. It is nearly impossible to notice changes in yourself in real time. Not being able to see the forest through the trees and such. Marilyn Manson schooled us in that years ago. Because it is so hard to measure, it is important for me to have benchmarks to mark my progress. Most of my benchmarks so far have been changes in core beliefs, whether it be a belief I once held about myself, or about something else.
Our dynamic requires me to be transparent with my partner. We dabble in some edge play, so an always open line of communication is imperative. Both of us have been building and strengthening our communication skills for years. I have talked at length about it being so uncomfortable to share my shames and fears, but is just as important to share the positive things and your personal achievements and feelings.
The evening found us having a lot of wine, a lot of fun and a lot of kinky fuckery. Taking a bathroom break, I sat on the toilet as my partner stood in front of me watching. I started to pee, and the stream kept cutting off when my pussy muscles clenched with desire. I laughed and said “It always makes me giggle when I piss while I am so turned on, since it comes out in spurts.” He replied that it wouldn’t make me giggle if I knew how much it turned him on. I disagreed and asked if it turned him off that I giggled. “Quite the opposite, babygirl, but I don’t want you to feel embarrassed.”
It dawned on me that for my entire life, including years that we have been together I have hated getting the giggles. I caught them so often in the beginning of our relationship and if I couldn’t stop I would end up crying out of embarrassment. I would imagine it was a complete lack of self-esteem and inability to show vulnerability without fear, or something similar.
“I actually don’t mind getting the giggles anymore, I quite enjoy it. It makes me feel very babygirl.” I told him.
He immediately brought his hand to his heart, indicating that I had made him so happy and proud with that simple admission.
His reaction made me realize how huge of a change that was for me.
I don’t know when I stopped hating giggling. Honestly, as weird as it sounds, I cannot relate to that person anymore. In fact, if anything, I feel sad for that grown woman who was so afraid of everything that she didn’t even feel comfortable laughing in front of someone who loved her dearly.
Walking back into the bedroom to continue our exploration, I felt proud of myself. I knew this was a great example that what I am doing is working. I am actually feeling better about myself. It’s super fucking weird, ya’ll.