I woke up this morning and the first thing I saw was my fiance and another man sleeping in each other’s arms. I watched as they breathed against each other. Almost as if on cue, he turned his head and placed his lips in the curve of her neck. He didn’t kiss her. His mouth curled in a warm little smile and he looked truly happy. I tried not to make a sound.
I couldn’t remember what happened the night before. At least, not all of it. Exhaustion, pain, and emotional shock sent me into a breakdown. Copious amounts of tequila played a part too.
But my partner and her… boyfriend? Her other man. My partner and her other man were so loving and supportive. Their kindness saw me through the chaos. I don’t remember falling asleep.
When she woke up this morning, she turned to me and immediately began giving me aftercare.
Sometimes Doms need to be held, encouraged, and reminded that it’s okay for us to have big feelings.
She took me into the shower, she touched and kissed and held me. And she told me everything I needed to hear. She ran her fingers through my hair, told me she’d never been more in love with me. She called me brave for crying and expressing my feelings. She said she was proud of me. She praised me for me kindness. She made me feel whole, manly, strong.
Seeing her with him doesn’t make me jealous. My reaction to “big” emotional events is to become small, I send myself away inside of my mind. I soldier forth.
Apparently, the scared version of me wasn’t content with being dismissed last night.
My fiance’s worked so hard over the past eight years helping me heal my trauma, I think my brain wouldn’t let me undo her hard work. It made me communicate, even if I wasn’t completely in control of my thoughts and words.
I’m ashamed. I feel guilty. Like I messed things up, or ruined a sexy experience for them. But those feelings are lies. I know the truth: I’m so fucking loved. I deserve love. I deserve space, compassion, and kindness. I deserve to be seen and when I can’t see myself through the pain clouding my sight, she always does.
I struggle to accept that, but we’ve worked too fucking hard for me to ever forget it.
I’m grateful for our guest. I’m blessed. I’m so happy he’ll be here for a few more days. He’s helping me heal too. He’s kind and loving, and the type of person she deserves to be loved by. He deserves our love.
Polyamory is among the most difficult things I’ve ever done. But it’s worth it. I could regale you with filthy tales. I could tell you all about the dirty things the three of us have gotten up to since our deliciously filthy New Year’s Eve party. But my polyamory experience has been about so much more than just great sex.
It’s about letting the light shine through so it can burn away the hurt. Love is the only real thing in this world, I’m so blessed to be filled with it right now.
Welcome to the Polycoaster. Please keep your arms inside the ride and around the people you love at all times.