I exist. I feel it when I pinch myself. But the evidence for me, for people like me, is very scarce. I’m a demisexual.
I am not sexually attracted to people I haven’t established a deep emotional connection with.
As a demisexual, my sexual identity falls along the asexual spectrum. Some terms that describe people like me are demi, ace, and A-spec — the latter two are short for asexual and asexual spectrum.
Allosexuals — people who don’t fall on the ace spectrum — often confuse their morality, ideology, ethos, and dogma for our sexuality.
Many people choose not to have casual sex. Waiting until marriage, not screwing on the first date, or generally choosing to abstain from sex until you’re in love or feel an intimate connection doesn’t make you an ace or demi.
I don’t experience sexual feelings for people I’m not emotionally intimate with. I don’t get erect watching porn unless I’m with a partner that I’m really into. I don’t experience arousal at the sight of an attractive person in the nude.
I don’t have a list of celebrities I would bang. I don’t know any celebrities well enough to find them sexually attractive.
I don’t get it when people are physically turned on by a picture of a stranger’s butt. I don’t understand why dick pics even exist (and I’m also pansexual, so I can be sexually attracted to people with penises).
In short, I don’t get the allosexuals’ urge to fuck everything that moves. And I really don’t get the heteronormative cultural necessity to act like not having sex with a stranger makes them martyrs.
At the risk of offending the 95.4 percent of you who are statistically allosexual: I believe allosexuality is the core driving factor behind misogyny. But that’s an essay for another day.
If being a gentleman just means not grabbing a stranger’s ass, I’m a priest. Let’s move on.
“We waited until marriage” isn’t a testament to goodness, it’s self-sadism and orgasm denial in a roleplay setting. But allosexuals likely can’t see that because they’re too busy trying to make abstinence for abstinence’s sake seem rational.
I don’t have that problem. I’m not concerned that “one thing will lead to another” if I’m around an attractive person under what could be intimate circumstances.
Another way of looking at it: I only eat home cooking. I could make myself eat an outside meal, but it would be a little gross to me and I wouldn’t like it.
This, in my opinion, gives me superpowers.
When you don’t arrange everyone you meet into the categories of fuckable and not fuckable, you tend to have different priorities.
I get to know someone very well before I have sex with them. There are exceptions — if my established partner is super into someone, I can get turned on by that and that can result in me feeling sexual attraction to that person as well.
Yet one of the biggest myths surrounding aces is that we don’t have sex or enjoy it.
But we’re all different. I have a hyperactive sex drive. It’s just always aimed at the people I’m really into.
Many asexuals enjoy sex. Some may not experience sexual attraction, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t feel just as good to be physically intimate with someone, and getting off feels great for many aces.
I experience extreme sexual attraction to my partners. I love sex. And that means every ounce of my sexual energy is reserved for the person or people I’m into.
I’d consider myself far more sexual than the average allosexual. And it’s because I was blessed with a brain that chooses to let me control who gets my motor running instead of random primal urges.
I’m a pansexual demisexual with a hyperactive sex drive, and that’s pretty cool.