I exist. I feel it when I pinch myself. But the evidence for me, for people like me, is very scarce. I’m a demisexual.

 

I am not sexually attracted to people I haven’t established a deep emotional connection with. 

 

As a demisexual, my sexual identity falls along the asexual spectrum. Some terms that describe people like me are demi, ace, and A-spec — the latter two are short for asexual and asexual spectrum. 

 

Allosexuals — people who don’t fall on the ace spectrum — often confuse their morality, ideology, ethos, and dogma for our sexuality.

 

Many people choose not to have casual sex. Waiting until marriage, not screwing on the first date, or generally choosing to abstain from sex until you’re in love or feel an intimate connection doesn’t make you an ace or demi.

 

I don’t experience sexual feelings for people I’m not emotionally intimate with. I don’t get erect watching porn unless I’m with a partner that I’m really into. I don’t experience arousal at the sight of an attractive person in the nude.

 

I don’t have a list of celebrities I would bang. I don’t know any celebrities well enough to find them sexually attractive. 

 

I don’t get it when people are physically turned on by a picture of a stranger’s butt. I don’t understand why dick pics even exist (and I’m also pansexual, so I can be sexually attracted to people with penises). 

 

In short, I don’t get the allosexuals’ urge to fuck everything that moves. And I really don’t get the heteronormative cultural necessity to act like not having sex with a stranger makes them martyrs. 

 

At the risk of offending the 95.4 percent of you who are statistically allosexual: I believe allosexuality is the core driving factor behind misogyny. But that’s an essay for another day.

 

If being a gentleman just means not grabbing a stranger’s ass, I’m a priest. Let’s move on.

 

“We waited until marriage” isn’t a testament to goodness, it’s self-sadism and orgasm denial in a roleplay setting. But allosexuals likely can’t see that because they’re too busy trying to make abstinence for abstinence’s sake seem rational. 

 

I don’t have that problem. I’m not concerned that “one thing will lead to another” if I’m around an attractive person under what could be intimate circumstances. 

 

Another way of looking at it: I only eat home cooking. I could make myself eat an outside meal, but it would be a little gross to me and I wouldn’t like it. 

 

This, in my opinion, gives me superpowers. 

 

When you don’t arrange everyone you meet into the categories of fuckable and not fuckable, you tend to have different priorities. 

 

I get to know someone very well before I have sex with them. There are exceptions — if my established partner is super into someone, I can get turned on by that and that can result in me feeling sexual attraction to that person as well. 

 

Yet one of the biggest myths surrounding aces is that we don’t have sex or enjoy it. 

 

But we’re all different. I have a hyperactive sex drive. It’s just always aimed at the people I’m really into.

 

Many asexuals enjoy sex. Some may not experience sexual attraction, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t feel just as good to be physically intimate with someone, and getting off feels great for many aces. 

 

I experience extreme sexual attraction to my partners. I love sex. And that means every ounce of my sexual energy is reserved for the person or people I’m into. 

 

I’d consider myself far more sexual than the average allosexual. And it’s because I was blessed with a brain that chooses to let me control who gets my motor running instead of random primal urges. 

 

I’m a pansexual demisexual with a hyperactive sex drive, and that’s pretty cool. 

 

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7 Replies to “I, demisexual”

  1. Not all “allosexuals” want to fuck everything that moves. But I, an allosexual… apparently… (shit… another fucking label to affix to my growing collection), do enjoy porn and nude photos of myself and others. I do find them arousing… and don’t really think there is anything wrong with that. I’ve had the RC church barking up my tree since childhood telling me my sexual urges are bad and dirty simply because I have sexual urges. But I don’t all the time. Sometimes I just want to read or paint or eat pickles. Or connect with someone and have mind sex (not mind fucking but just damn good conversing). Also… I never have had casual sex. Was never into it. Don’t think I ever could be. But that doesn’t mean I don’t fantasize about it… a lot. Again… nothing wrong with wanting to fuck someone you don’t know… or maybe don’t even want to know… egads! As long as all people consent to the cold distant fuckery.

    Does anyone need another reason to be ashamed of their sexuality? Why can’t we all just fuck ourselves and/or each other/no one at all and just fuck off about it? I’m autosexual. I have zero representation and people think it’s a joke or narcissistic. But I don’t care. I’m not going to champion my sexual orientation (well… one of them). I would honestly rather play with myself in front of a mirror.

    You make some generalizations, and assume that “allosexuals” don’t need to feel a connection before fucking. That’s just untrue. I think most people need some kind of connection to truly get off… and get off well, unless you’re a teenage male. I mean… they’d fuck a watermelon.

    And I would be interested in what you have to say about allosexuality being at the core of misogyny. Seriously. I would be.

    Anyhoo, interesting post. I learned me some shit so thanks for that. I just had some words about it. 👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻

    1. Correction: I am not only autosexual. That is just a small part of my complex make-up. I think most people are complex; they just aren’t out.

    2. Way to make it about you. You just “not all men”d my post on sexuality.

      Now that we’ve heard from the fragile, whiny, heteronormative, majority, privileged point of view, we can go back to having an intelligent conversation. Thanks for stopping by, maybe this blog isn’t for you. Tata.

      1. I did do that, didn’t I? It did cross my mind but I wanted to respond. As a sexual person, I like to read about sexuality and sexualities which is why I read your post.

        And how can I not make it about me to a degree? I might be “allosexual” as you put it, and you talk about them a lot in your post. Plus I have a sexuality too. I am very autosexual, so I am by default a little head-up-my-own-ass-ish. Sorry. Then some thoughts started thoughtifying… and blurp… my comment. It happens sometimes and I just can’t hold it in. But you did give me a lot to think about too.

        Also, I do not identify as heterosexual. I do not think I fit any of those labels, to be honest. But I won’t argue with the “privileged” bit. I don’t deny that at all… in many parts of my life. I am not blind to it. “Majority”… depends on the context.
        As for “fragile” and “whiny”… well, that’s true too. I am PMSing so those qualities really shine this time of the month.

        Anyway, toodaloo!! 👽🖖

  2. This is awesome! Unfortunately I sustained childhood sexual abuse which made me hyper sexual and then in my teens went searching for what I was lacking, love, and thought that it would fill the void. As a married healing adult I’m with you. Thumbs down to porn, celebrities are not sexy and I cringe thinking about the way I behaved in my younger years. I need to be close to someone to even emotionally connect with them so I feel if I wasn’t married, I would be sexually selective! Good read👍🏼

  3. This is a wonderful insight into you. I’m glad you know your sexuality so well and can revel in that, yay for you! It’s crazy how little we know (as a society) about folks on the Asexual spectrum, we really need to work harder at that. I need to work harder at that.

  4. I can feel a slight attraction to people without a connection. OR is it just that I am gauging attractiveness? But, once I get to know someone they can become either more attractive or less attractive to me based on their personality.

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