Originally published on my sfw blog
My self esteem is shit. There is no denying that. It is something I work on every single day. I have found that doing something that you are good at and that you enjoy is a great way to increase your confidence and raise your self esteem.
For me that is sex. There are very few things I feel confident in but sex is definitely one of them. I am not trying to brag or be vulgar, it is just something I genuinely enjoy. I wasn’t always confident in my sexuality. It has taken me years of work, experiences, communication and experimentation.
Increasing your sexual confidence can take time, just like any other habit change. However, once you find what works for you, you can practice everyday! It has really been a lifestyle change for me, like eating healthy or exercise. We have children and jobs and that tends to take up a great deal of my time, attention and energy. Making a direct effort to take some time and really feel sexy is something that helps me get out of my head a little bit.
Plus sex is wicked good for you! It is an incredibly healthy outlet for anxiousness and stress. It is great exercise and all kinds of positive things happen in your brain when you’re having sex! It is good for your immune system, your blood pressure, it can help alleviate pain, also it reduces the risk of prostate cancer in men. And come on, it feels great! So, you know, it is basically magic.
Planning for sexy
I know that if I’ve had time to plan and prepare, I feel much more confident and sexy. For example, I know every Thursday is Date Night. I try and start the day focusing on all things positive and sexy to me. I can usually call back to last night’s delicious highlights and that’ll give me yummy shivers for most of the day. Exchanging dirty messages throughout the day when possible also keeps me in a sexy state of mind. (Plus, it is bonus foreplay!)
Getting a bath in is always a winner for me. While listening to music that gets me in the mood, I can soak in pleasant smelling bubble bath, exfoliate and spend a little extra time with my razor. When I feel soft, silky and smooth is when I am at my most confident!
I like to bring something sexy with me to read during my baths. Its the perfect place to relax and let my thoughts drift off to sexy far away places. There are some fun sex-positive and erotic podcasts that are perfect for relaxing in the bath as well.
After my usual bathing ritual, I slip into something that makes ME feel sexy. I think that is the key. Although I keep my partner in mind when buying lingerie, I always go with something that I find flattering and sexy. Trust me, your partner will find whatever makes you feel sexy, the hottest. When you feel sexy, you exude sexiness. Revel in it, embrace your sultry side.
Positive self talk
When I look in the mirror now I try not to focus on the parts of my body that I don’t like. I try and focus on what I do like. It isn’t easy. I’m a work in progress for sure. Instead of scowling at my breasts for succumbing to gravity more every year I now admire them for their feminine fullness and how the curves of my body flow very nicely. I have never been happy with my weight, but I am healthier than I have ever been, so I am learning to love all of my body. Slowly.
When you are kinder to yourself you feel happier. When you feel happier, you feel sexier. When you feel sexier you are sexier.
Indulge in sexy media
It doesn’t matter if you are a visual person, or prefer to read or listen to your erotica, spending a little bit of dedicated time with something that turns you on and nudges your imagination towards sexier thoughts is always a win in my book. I tend to enjoy reading erotica alone and enjoy the visual erotica with my partner. Instagram and Tumblr are also pretty good platforms to scroll through some sexy images that are specific to your turn-ons.
I read about sex a lot. A lot. Not just the erotica I previously mentioned, but scientific and academic studies. I study fetishes, techniques, art, anatomy, medical findings. I would also include getting to know your own body as an educational experience, and I plan to write extensively about that specifically. There is no shortage of information about whatever kind of sex you are looking for. We are a bit nerdy, but I seriously love it when I learn something new and get to share it with my partner. Face it, facts are fun. Trying new things together increases intimacy and encourages deeper communication. I have really found this to be true in my case. My partner and I just celebrated our seven year anniversary a couple months ago and we make great efforts to keep trying new things, talk about things we might like, and give a lot of feedback to each other, especially after a new activity.
Now, it’s worth noting that this is what gets me feeling sexy and confident, it isn’t necessarily what floats everyone’s boat. You have to find what works for you. Allow yourself the space to explore what makes you feel sexy and everyone wins!
Nikki is a photographer, writer, and general creator of things. She writes about mental health, sex, and relationships.