When I was a kid, I grew pretty fast. Faster than most of the other kids. I have the stretchmarks to prove it. In fifth grade, I was the tallest kid in our grade, not by a huge difference, but I was tall. I developed boobs quickly that year as well. My experience wasn’t like the movies, where the girl who gets tits first gets all the attention and admiration from the boys. I was teased and ridiculed for it. Mercilessly. As I got older I started to embrace my top heaviness, but I never stopped being ashamed and embarrassed about my big feet.
My grandmother used to tell me when I would cry about them that I had bigger feet because I was tall and if I had little feet, I would fall right over. She meant well but it failed to help me feel any better about it. I never learned how to develop self-esteem as a child, I wasn’t confident enough to just be okay with the things I hated about myself.
Living in such a small town in the nineties, the only thing we had in way of entertainment for teens was a skating rink. I loved to skate. However, I used to get so embarrassed and ashamed of asking for a size 9 women’s skate when I was 10 that I would have to run to the bathroom and vomit before I would ask the attendant. Sometimes, if there was a new attendant, other than the usual nice old man, I would just sit and watch everyone else skate, or play arcade games because I couldn’t bear to tell the teenager behind the counter how big my feet were.
Getting older, it was bowling. I was an adult the first time I went bowling and I was in a near panic asking the clerk for a size 10. I didn’t feel any better about voicing the size of my feet than I did when I was a kid. I asked for the shoes that one time, then I went home and ordered my own bowling shoes so I never had to ask for them again.
I have always hated my big feet. They aren’t even freakishly big. They are just larger than average. Not fitting in an “average” size, makes it harder to find stylish shoes like the cute little size sixes offer. I always have to go to the end of the isle and sometimes that feels like visiting the island of misfit shoes. Budget shoe stores like Payless, don’t often carry larger sizes of the fun heels, sexy boots or trendy sandals. Personally, the experience is very similar to trying to find a cute, decent, affordable bra in a 36DD. Obviously, if I wanted to spend more money, it wouldn’t be an issue, but it’s something that has frustrated me for decades.
A few weeks ago my partner and I shot a fun foot fetish video where I stepped and played in pudding and got my feet all messy and slippery.
I loved every second of it. I had never intentionally made my feet dirty and messy, but it was FUN. I wasn’t concerned about the size of my feet, I was too busy having a blast squishing pudding between my toes while my partner recorded and voiced his approval. It felt smooth and cool and slick, and my feet were all shiny and covered, with my pretty toenail polish just peeking through.
I didn’t expect to feel so carefree during this shoot. I expected to feel self conscious and focused on the setting, and lighting. I am not too familiar with being in front of the camera, since I work behind it. It was the only time I have felt silly in the best possible way. I struggle with being silly. It is a self-esteem thing. But I found myself giggling and feeling fun and youthful.
All of those awesome positive aspects aside, I also found it sexy as fuck! I absolutely love showing off for my guy, that isn’t a new discovery. It was sexy because it was new. It was sexy because I felt empowered! I felt great about the way my feet looked. It was sexy because it was art. Art I was creating with the person I love most in the world. Creating something beautiful and sexy with my partner was thrilling and moving in a whole new way.
When we sat down together on the floor to review the images and videos I was excited. A year ago probably would have found me apprehensive about seeing close up pictures of my feet that I hadn’t taken. It was an intimate experience, reviewing the evening in images and videos. The pictures were gorgeous. I was able to appreciate my feet in a way I have never even dreamed of. My partner ooh-ed and ahh-ed at his favorites and pointed out the way my arched feet had a beautiful curve. I had never seen anything more than big feet when I looked at them.
It was like years, decades even, of shame and embarrassment and insecurities immediately dissolving away. I laid in bed that night too excited about editing the photos to sleep much.
The next day I was finally able to get them uploaded and started editing and instantly felt like a million dollars. My feet looked great! It was art. I couldn’t wait to show my partner the edited, final images. I wanted him to see them first, but I was honestly so stinking excited to share them on social media. I was proud of them and was anxious to share with people who would also appreciate them.
Since that first real shoot, I have been flooded with inspiration and confidence. We have done several more scenes with pies, cupcakes and more yummy stuff. I have a long list of ideas for shoots I am aching to do. It is a whole new adventure in my life that ticks so many positive, healthy, self-love boxes for me.
I received a lot of positive feedback and that, of course, feels great. I knew I was an exhibitionist, but showing off something that I have tried to hide and cover due to embarrassment, was nothing short of life changing.
I can’t wait to start the next project. I find myself excited about the future.
Check out this awesome art while you wait… 🖤
"Every act of creation is first an act of destruction."
— ☠🖤 Darling Nikki 🖤☠ (@loveisafetish) October 27, 2018
Nikki is a photographer, writer, and general creator of things. She writes about mental health, sex, and relationships.