The past fifteen months of my life have been a ridiculous rollercoaster. Starting in October 2017, I have had some of my lowest lows and some of my highest highs. All of them forcing me to grow and expand in ways I wasn’t sure I could handle. It was an uncomfortable year, and that is exactly what I needed. It was uncomfortable because I was growing and growing fucking hurts sometimes.
I have been consistently blogging all year. When I first started in September 2017, I
was sharing mostly my journey through therapy, which I had just started for the first time. It was the most cathartic thing I have ever done. It started to feel like therapy in itself. Not only was I sorting through thoughts that had been bouncing around in my head for years convincing me I was a fucking monster and I was obligated to punish myself for it for the rest of my life, but I was socializing. For the first time in quite some time.
At the beginning of this year I was still trying to come out of the worst of my depression, but I continued to write and create and I started feeling better and better. I had shared so much about my life and my mental health, and even a bit about my family, but I always found it hard to talk about my relationship. I felt like I had to leave out so much because our D/s dynamic is so intrinsically woven through it..
I realized that I was censoring myself for no reason. No one asked me to, certainly not my partner, who has always been very supportive about me sharing whatever I am comfortable with. So I started sharing more about our dynamic and still found myself running into places where I felt like I couldn’t talk about things that were important to me. The reason was, I guess, a shyness on my part, because I wanted to share things about spanking and watersports and fetishes and, you know, fun stuff, and I didn’t feel like I was able to since some of my partner’s colleagues read my blog.
Not being ashamed of this part of our lives, we just decided I could try and make it a separate entity that people who followed my mental health journey wouldn’t be forced to scroll and see a picture of a fox tail in my ass, but our kind of people who appreciate both could now have the opportunity. So this October I started writing on my NSFW account we had created a while ago.
It became this bright shining light in my life. I felt like I had found something that I genuinely enjoyed. Being honest and open about who I am (mostly) was an incredibly liberating experience that I am grateful as fuck for. I know not everyone has that option, and I didn’t for a long time. I was finally interacting with people with similar interests, and it was so therapeutic. When I came across Floss’s post about making friends it hit me so hard. I felt like it was exactly what I needed to read at the exact time I needed it. It meant so much to me, I had to reach out to her. I was nervous and it made me sick to my stomach to DM this stranger and tell her how much her work meant to me. OF COURSE knowing how much most people would appreciate it, my anxiety and self-worth had me convinced it was a mistake to even try. In true Floss fashion, she replied kindly and encouragingly and has continued to do so since.
It was that post that I saw all of the prompts that I enjoy so very much today, and I want to try to get into more of them next year. I recently found I was missing out on a few. The weekly prompts have really helped me feel like part of a community, which is something we certainly don’t have locally. I have even made some friends, which is a big damn deal to me since none of my friendships outside of this house survived my last depressive bout after I had the baby.
Never in my life have I felt such support for my work and creativity. I’ve been a stylist for almost sixteen years, and beginning in cosmetology school all the way through the last salon I worked in, women were always out to fuck over other women. Like it was a requirement. This has been a different experience. Of course, people are people and you are going to run into a jerk anywhere you go, but I have been blown away by the kindness. Someone even bought me a birthday present!
Thanks to the inspiration and encouragement from this community I dared to write my first fiction this year and I fucking loved it. Every one of them have turned me on to write, and I think it is just about the coolest thing ever that other people found them sexy too.
I couldn’t possibly fit this year into a post that anyone would have time to read, but it has been a year that I have learned more about myself than I had in the previous 35.
The magical thing about growing this confidence is that it spills into all areas of your life. I have found myself not hating myself quite a bit here lately. My goal next year is to start liking myself, for real-for real. 🖤🖤
Here are some of my favorite things we’ve created this year!
Nikki is a photographer, writer, and general creator of things. She writes about mental health, sex, and relationships.