Yesterday I recorded a video of me masturbating for my Dropbox and Patreon subscribers, which is really nothing new, but the experience was entirely different. First of all, I don’t often watch myself in the display the entire time. I end up looking at my body, or closing my eyes, enjoying the moment. But this time I forced myself to keep eye contact with the camera like I have to do when I am masturbating for my partner. Watching my orgasm take over my face sent me into an entirely new, harder orgasm almost immediately. It was such an intense, raw, intimate moment where I saw primal beauty in my face.
Until I watched it afterwards!
My second orgasm was so strong that I was no longer concerned about looking at my face, but only about keeping eye contact and feeling the waves crash over me. I came so hard it took me by surprise, and had to watch the video as soon as I caught my breath. “Wow, this is so fucking hot,” I thought, until I started coming the second time. Then I looked angry, then terrified, and “Oh…” I questioned whether this was, indeed sexy as I watched my face contort. I was completely lost in my climax, the most open and exposed I have ever seen myself.
And the sounds, oh the sounds…
My favorite thing about sex is sound. Grunts, groans, moans, sighs, growls, any sounds of pleasure turn me the fuck on! In fact, my partner growling into my ear was the reason I fell in love with him years ago. It really does it for me. But I found myself being critical of even that during playback, “whew, I am breathing really hard, good grief.” Not to mention that I could hear how wet I was. When I found myself feeling shy about that part I realized it wasn’t even my criticisms I had in my head. It was things I had been made to feel crummy about years before.
I had to remind myself that it was a sexy thing that I was so wet that you could hear it. It was a sexy thing that I completely let myself go, unconcerned about how I looked. It was a sexy thing that the whole experience made me feel more confident and desirable. I had to treat myself with the kindness that I offer to complete strangers. After a week of feeling so unwell, it was a nice exercise in feeling more like myself again. Viva la masturbation.
Nikki is a photographer, writer, and general creator of things. She writes about mental health, sex, and relationships.